This winter, our daughter summited Mt. Tallac and found it quite a formidable foe due to ice on the vertical face. As Gar and I scrutinized both the summer and winter routes, Gar scowled, “I wouldn’t want to hike either one.” I nodded, “Me neither and I like to hike.” Gar smirked, “Especially if it’s level ground or preferably, downhill.” “He’s so cute,” said the woman putting a little Exlax in his brownies.

With summer coming, I thought I’d clean out our outdoor cupboard. Opening the door, a pamphlet tumbled out, written by a biologist, who’d obviously spent time in the horror film industry.

“Wyoming is prime mountain lion habitat and these efficient predators have always lived here.”

I wasn’t sure what he was referring to with “efficient” but devouring chubby, middle-aged grammys with short legs and fleshy thighs may be what he was alluding to.

He went on, “Mountain lions, pumas, cougars or panthers are all one and the same and if you’re hiking in the mountains or strolling in the forest, there’s an excellent chance one may keep you company.”

I don’t want company that’s crankier than me.

The next item, and good advice, is “Don’t hike alone.”

You know that bratty neighbor kid who shoots all the birds with his BB gun? Take him along tethered to your ankle. When he asks why, tell him, “It’s for safety.” Don’t elaborate that you mean yours, not his. He can be shoved at anything wanting ribs for dinner since the article stated, “Lions like elk, deer, mink, jackrabbits, beaver and house cats, with their favorite being porcupine, which they feel is a candy bar.”

Yikes! If it can munch a pincushion and come out the victor, I’m doomed. It doesn’t, however, say anything about them eating wolverines. I once watched a video of a wolverine pounding on a black bear and thought, “If I believed in reincarnation, I’d come back as a wolverine. Nobody messes with a wolverine.”

The Wyoming Game and Fish tell us that though lions are extremely effective killers, they rarely prey on humans.

Then they mention, “If you come across tracks, you should immediately depart.” What? You said they rarely prey on humans! Then they add, “The odds are, you will never hear or see one.”

I’m over here screaming, “Until you do! Make up your mind!”

When I brought all this to Gar’s attention, he listened intently and as I concluded, he handed me a bag of M&Ms. I wasn’t amused. I’ve lived with him too long and can read his mind. He doesn’t have to be fast, just faster than me. Reminds me of the sign showing a bear chasing a skinny hiker who’s outrunning a chunky hiker, with this quote, “Be nice to fat people! One day they might save your life.”

The biologist went on, “If there’s been an incident, the first thing I ask is if the person’s still alive? If yes, it’s sure to be a young lion. They’re learning and testing and unsure of themselves. Older lions are very efficient at killing.”

There’s that pesky “efficient” again. The word is beginning to trouble me.

Then the guy stated, “Rely on your instincts; with young lions, intimidation and self-confidence will go a long way.”

Well, what if it’s a teenage lion who’s an overachiever and pretty self-confident, too?

Next was, “Don’t play dead. Lions eat carrion and it’s also good to know that they prefer to attack by biting on the base of the victim’s skull, so cover the back of your neck with your backpack.”

At this point, I wanted to move to Mars, where the only difficulty I’d encounter is lack of oxygen. Death by mauling vs. suffocation. It’s a toss-up.

The Game and Fish are very proud of the fact that they’ve radio-collared, ear-tagged and tattooed mountain lions. How super. If one is ever biting the base of my skull, I’ll strive to admire its accessories.

The biologist reported, “Wyoming is unique and blessed to have not just lions but black bears, grizzlies and wolves, so while hiking, it’s paramount to make noise and not run if an attack does occur.”

That’d take self-control and who possesses that in this nation of fatties? Actually, I feel exercise and animal attacks fall into different categories but what you need to know is, I don’t run, so if you ever see me running, you’d better run too because something is after me.

Trena Eiden is a lifelong resident of Sublette County. Contact her at trenaid@hotmail.com.