Column: Human bodies are amazing


Sometimes I hear (mostly when I’m eavesdropping) that God doesn’t exist and everything started from nothing. Usually, it’s pointed out that everything began with the Big Bang theory. Contrary to popular belief, evolutionary scientists theorize that the Big Bang was not an explosion. Instead, it was the “rapid change of a tiny point of matter into a vast and expanding universe.”

I want to ask, “Where’d that ‘tiny point of matter’ come from?” These baffled scientists, who can’t bring themselves to trust in a creator, wonder about their theory because they state, “One of the biggest mysteries is what formed the singularity which led into the Big Bang?” The next time someone tells me we came from nothing, I’m going to say, “Well, if we came from nothing, make me an eyeball. I’ll wait.”

If I get a stammer, I’ll sympathize and say, “Oh, gee, that was probably too hard. Make me a grain of sand.” 

I believe in God and I don’t mean to take anything away from Him, and I sure don’t know how God did everything and neither does anyone else. I do know when contemplating most folks’ common sense, humans never were an intelligent life form and have never evolved into one.

There are unexplained oddities about us that didn’t occur by happenstance, like that humans can survive with only half of their brain. Actually, this is not one of the oddities since it’s an easy jump to this assumption by simply listening to most politicians.

The peculiarity is, by simply sitting quietly, a brain churns through more information in 30 seconds than the Hubble Space Telescope has processed in 30 years. I’m guessing this shouldn’t be misconstrued as all brains, whether half or whole, because when we ask a man, “What are you thinking, and he replies, “Nothing,” he means it.

More germs are transferred from shaking hands than by kissing because our lips touch less than our hands. A long, 10-second smooch transfers less bacteria than a quick handshake, so, to you cowhands, how do you feel about giving your trail boss a peck right on the lips? It all comes down to — would you rather have a communicable disease or a sock in the jaw? 

Humans have the same amount of body hair as apes, averaging 5 million hair follicles. Every man would attest that women’s legs have an abundant amount since those ladies happily use their husbands’ smooth backside as a winter leg-scratching post.

Our bodies produce heat through exercise, digesting food and just breathing. Most humans produce enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil, but not Gar. On any given day, I exude enough thermal temps to warm a bungalow in a blizzard. Gar, who is always cold, doesn’t have a high enough sweat index to keep his own toes warm in July on a Florida beach.

Genetically speaking, we use more DNA from our dads than our moms, and my offspring are on their knees nightly praising Jesus. It was unfortunate for me to learn that humans are 99.9 percent genetically identical. The thought of being a close relation to anyone in Washington, D.C., just makes me crankier than usual.

Every day, a heart sends 2,000 gallons of blood through our bodies, creating enough energy to drive a truck 20 miles. In a lifetime, that’s equivalent to going to the moon and back. Also in a day, the human heart beats 100,000 times, which is roughly 60 to 100 times a minute. That’s a boring, middle of the road rate since an Etruscan shrew’s heart beats 1,500 times per minute or 25 times per second.

For comparison, the blue whale, the largest animal that’s ever lived, has a heart the size of an overstuffed sofa and weighing over 1,000 pounds, yet beats only two times per minute. This, of course, is supposing we all have a heart, which my children would quickly and loudly point out, I do not.

Every 10 years, we develop a completely new skeleton and every day, we lose around 40,000 dead skin cells. If that isn’t tantalizing enough, wait, there’s more because also every day we make about 2 liters of saliva. That’s enough, every year, to fill two bathtubs. After reading all this, you can die fulfilled and loaded with useless information. I believe it to be accurate, however, as a disclaimer you should know, I’ve never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Trena Eiden [email protected]

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