We have friends who’ve ran a boarding school for 40 years, solely to encourage rebellious teenage girls to live better lives. They send us their advertising pamphlets and I tell them that one of these days I’m going to enroll, or more to the point, Gar is going to enroll me.

Disclaimer: This was written tongue in cheek. Please husbands, don’t contact me. There is no boarding school for wives – mostly because we’d all sign up and you’d be gutting those deer all by your sad little selves.

We’ve enrolled wives from every state and several foreign countries. Should you know a husband having challenges with his wife, please encourage him to call the office: BR549. In a short conversation, we can prequalify the wife and send the husband a wife-application packet, plus we’ll discern if the wife is the sane one and the dope she’s married to is a cross she’ll have to bear. It’s best not to wait til there’s a crisis with the wife because there may be a waiting period for availability. If the husband feels he’s losing control, it would be better to contact us sooner than later. If he isn’t sure he ever had control, we can offer a few guidelines.

Does the wife nag about washing your dirty underpants and states she’s tired of picking them up off the floor?

Does the wife complain about cleaning your fish?

Does the wife put her cold feet and rear-end on your side of the bed but leave all the good parts on her side?

Does the wife whine that you never take her out, when you most certainly did, last week when the demolition derby was in town?

Does the wife resent you calling her underwear “parachutes?”

Does the wife want you to tell her how you feel, when she knows perfectly well you never had a feeling in your life, save the time you smashed your thumb with the hammer?

Does the wife have an aversion to toothpaste left drying in the bathroom sink alongside the whiskers?

Does the wife get emotional enough to retrieve the 12-gauge when you tell her, the backside God gave her is as firmly packed as any Buick you’ve had the pleasure of observing?

Does the wife selfishly expect you to remember silly dates, like your anniversary and her birthday?

Does the wife get snitty about greasy motorcycle parts being brought into the mud room?

Does the wife get testy when you bring home unannounced buddies and less civil when it’s a puppy?

Does the wife tell you she’s had about enough of your shenanigans, when you tell her you drew a bear tag so you won’t have time to put on the new roof and you feel her bad temper is selfishness since she can surely live with leaks one more winter?

The typical husband who calls us is very concerned the wife’s attitude is getting beyond the norm and is fearful she may force him to do things he doesn’t want to – mow the lawn, load his own utensils in the dishwasher, change the car’s oil, clean his own boots – the list is long.

Some wives we’ve had have become pastors’ or missionaries’ wives, though we discourage this since she’s already married. Sadly, when some wives go home, they return to their bad attitudes about not liking to scrub the kitchen floor on their hands and knees, and continue to use a sailor’s tongue when finding dishes piled in the sink while the husbands have been home alone. Upon release from our premises, some wives duct tape themselves to a pillar and refuse to leave.

We do our utmost to reunite spouses in holy matrimony since we understand, if the wife didn’t love the bozo God gave her, she’d have buried him under the petunias the first time he mentioned she’d have to find alternate transportation to the store, because he and Ned need her truck to go buck hunting since Ned’s wife wouldn’t let him take her vehicle. (He thinks Ned should contact our facility right away about his own wife.)

When it comes to wedded bliss, we’ve found that oftentimes, wives have very different perspectives than their husbands on almost any subject. One wife was noted as saying, “I’m broadminded enough to admit there are two sides to every disagreement. My side, which is logical, reasonable, rational and well-balanced, and the side that no intelligent, informed, sane or self-respecting person could possibly hold.” n

Contact Trena Eiden at trenaid@hotmail.com.